The Mocking Draft
Let’s face it. All the Mock Drafts out there – and there are thousands upon thousands now – are all about as accurate as Ryan Leaf on a bad day. I’ll give exceptions for maybe Gil Brandt and Pat Kirwan, as they are worthwhile. Notice I did not include Mel Kiper, Jr. mainly because it seems he has been replaced recently at ESPN by an actor simply playing the part of Mel Kiper, Jr. much the way they did with Dick Vitale years ago, but I digress.
The first ever Mocking Draft was held in my kitchen last night and determined the Top 32 fictional football characters. Eagles/Jets fans, get ready to boo. Draft picks, don’t forget to pick up your 7-button suits from the cleaners. It’s a QB-rich draft so the Chiefs, Falcons and the Ravens should all do well.
Round 1:
1. Julian Washington – RB, Any Given Sunday (LL Cool J) The best running back in the best football movie going. Big part in winning the Pantheon Cup.
2. Darnell Jefferson – RB, The Program (Omar Epps) Big time player as a freshman and bedded Halle Berry.
3. Rod Tidwell – WR, Jerry Maguire (Cuba Gooding, Jr.) He’ll get the ball going over the middle. Could be tough to get under contract though.
4. Willie Beamen – QB, Any Given Sunday (Jaimie Foxx) Worried about his shoulder, but the mobility, arm strength and upside are huge.
5. Johnny Utah – QB, Point Break (Keanu Reeves) You have to concerned about his knee from the big bowl game, but he’s a winner. Always will be.
6. Charles Jefferson – DT/LB, Fast Times at Ridgemont High (Forrest Whitaker) Nobody can stop him. Could use his signing bonus to get a new ride.
7. Levander “Bird” Williams – QB, Wildcats (Mykel T. Williamson) Without him they couldn’t win. With him, they won the City Championship. He’s a difference maker.
8. Gavin Grey – RB, Everybody’s All-American (Dennis Quaid) Longevity. Speed. Toughness. All the intangibles.
9. Joe Pendleton – QB, Heaven Can Wait (Warren Beatty) Not sure if you draft Pendleton or Farnsworth, but he is a Superbowl Winner.
10. Nigel “The Leg” Gruf – K, The Replacements (Rhys Ifans) The guy can kick a 70 yarder while smoking. Beat that Elam.
11. Joe Kane – QB, The Program (Craig Sheffer) Solid pick at QB if he can hold it all together when the pressure is on.
12. Shane Falco – QB, The Replacements (Keanu Reeves) A bit of a reach this high. Needs to be with a coach that’s a great motivator.
13. Bobby Boucher, Jr. – LB, The Waterboy (Adam Sandler) Not sure he can pick up complex reads, but the raw skills are there.
14. Terry Brogan – WR, Against All Odds (Jeff Bridges) Injury concerns, but any guy that can pull chicks like that has good enough moves to play on Sundays.
15. Jimmy Sanderson – WR, Any Given Sunday (Bill Bellamy) Size is a concern, but the speed is there.
16. Paul Crewe – QB, The Longest Yard (Burt Reynolds) All the talent in the world, but could be an attitude problem.
17. Alvin Mack – LB, The Program (Duane Davis) Solid system guy at linebacker.
18. Joe Kingman – QB, The Game Plan (The Rock) Never seen this movie. No really, I haven’t. But with his size, you’ve got to take a flyer on him here.
19. Tim Riggins – FB, Friday Night Lights (Taylor Kitsch) It’s a bit of a reach to take a kid out of high school, but if you play “Now You’re Messin’ with a Son of a Bitch” during a game montage, he can’t be stopped.
20. Lawrence – OL, Everybody’s All-American (John Goodman) Have to watch the drinking and the weight, but he’ll clear a path for you.
21. David Greene, QB – School Ties (Brendan Fraser) Matt Damon was blocking for the guy and he still pulled out a win. That says a lot.
22. Ray Griffen – FB, The Program (Leon Pridgen) Make note that we are drafting him at fullback, not running back.
23. Trumaine – S, Wildcats (Wesley Snipes) He’s a three sport athlete with basketball, baseball and football.
24. Steve Lattimer – LB, The Program (Andrew Bryniarski) Same guy. Three movies.
25. Patrick “Madman” Kelly – LB, Any Given Sunday (Andrew Bryniarski) Can you say typecast?
26. Wyatt Beaudry – LB, Necessary Roughness (Andrew Bryniarski) “Hey Andrew, this is your agent. How about a role as a football player?”
27. Forrest Gump – KR, Forrest Gump (Tom Hanks) Thinking Devin Hester-type guy here. You can always use a good return man.
28. Johnny Walker – QB, Johnny Be Good (Anthony Michael Hall) Starting to reach toward the end of Round 1.
29. Jaime O’Hara – RB, Rudy (Vince Vaughn) Not sure too many 6’5 guys make it in the league at RB. One-liners in the huddle could be distracting to the other ten guys too.
30. Lucy Draper – K, Necessary Roughness (Kathy Ireland) A team is really drafting Lucy for her locker room presence. Solid.
31. Stefen Djordjevic – CB, All the Right Moves (Tom Cruise) Bottom of the first round and we turn to 5’6 white cornerbacks. Only in Hollywood.
32. Barney Gorman – K, The Garbage Kicking Field Goal Kicking Philadelphia Phenomenon (Tony Danza) I know. Three kickers in the first round. Hey, it’s slim pickings. It was either him or Gus the field goal kicking mule.
Who did I leave off? Leave a comment and let me know. Want to catch up on your football movies? Click here.
