1. Bulls — Derrick Rose. Chicago picks the hometown boy, trades Kirk Heinrich to the German League.
2. Heat – Michael Beasley. Honestly, I’ve never seen the guy play, since I can only watch so much college basketball per season, and his Big 12 games usually conflicted with something better, like sleep.
3. Wolves – OJ Mayo. His marketing power should explode in basketball-addicted Minnesota.
4. Sonics – French Open champion Brook Lopez.
5. Grizzlies – Jerryd Bayless. Skip’s son ignored his father’s pleas to attend Vanderbilt, the “First Take” co-star’s alma mater. That’s good, because Vanderbilt doesn’t take kindly to student-athletes who go on to great NBA careers.
6. Knicks – Roy Hibbert. The Knicks have always liked big Hoyas (Patrick Ewing, Mike Sweetney) and honestly, this would be the only pick that would make me root for them again.
7. L.A. Clippers – Eric Gordon. If any team had the right (and the need) to change its team name when it relocated, wasn’t it the San Diego Clippers? Besides, who uses that word anyway? That’s like asking for a “schooner” of beer.
8. Bucks – Danilo Gallinari. Promises to go by the name “Dan” Gallinari in Favre country.
9. Bobcats – Anthony Randolph. If you’re gonna go to college for one year to improve your draft stock, ya might wanna pick a school that can make the NCAA tournament.
10. Nets – Kevin Love. A scout on ESPN likened him to a young Wes Unseld, so I expect Love to be a fat, terrible general manager some day.
11. Pacers -- Darrell Arthur. Bea Arthur’s grandson has huge upside.
12. Kings – Brandon Rush. Might have the skinniest ankles I’ve ever seen. Well, except for Eight Belles.
13. Blazers – Joe Alexander. People in Portland don’t mind big ears.
14. Warriors – D.J. Augustin. Has the potential to be one of the franchise’s all-time greats, joining Larry Smith and Purvis Short.
15. Suns – Chris Douglas-Roberts. Not as funny as Neil Patrick Harris, but don’t hold that against him.
16. 76ers – Russell Westbrook. Might be related to Brian, the Eagles’ running back. Paternity test pending. (Pick could be traded).
17. Raptors – Kosta Koufos. I don’t even know if this guy actually exists,, but J.D. Butter has him going to the Wizards with the next pick, so I’m gonna say one pick sooner, because I watch “The Price is Right” and know how to play this racket.
18. Wizards – Donte Greene. When was the last time a great player from Syracuse went to the NBA and won a title? Consequently, you have to imagine that Greene will be drafted by a team that has no chance – now or in the next 15 years – of winning an NBA title. The Wizards fit that description.
19. Cavs – Mario Chalmers. Says he’s willing to wear a white headband, ala the rest of the Smurfs in LeBronland.
20. Nuggets – Alexis Ajinca. Chad Ford has him going #13 to the Blazers, but Chad Ford doesn’t know what I know, and that’s that Alexis Ajinca hates Oregon.
21. Nets – Robin Lopez. Seriously, Robin and Brook? It’s a good thing these guys were 7-feet tall, because those are some serious ass-kicking names.
22. Magic – Jason Thompson. Went to Rider, whereabouts unknown.
23. Jazz – Marresse Speights. Utah hasn’t drafted a player who can dunk since Darrell Griffifth in 1980, but the 6-10 Speights will change all that.
24. Sonics – Serge Ibaka. He’s from the Congo, so he probably won’t care if he plays in Seattle, Oklahoma City or downtown Beirut, just so long as he’s ballin’.
25. Rockets – JaVale McGee. Yao’s presumptive heir.
26. Spurs – Ryan Anderson. Head meet pillow, zzzz.
27. Blazers (from Hornets) – DeAndre Jordan. Not even old enough to drink, but he’ll learn quickly in rain-soaked Portland.
28. Grizzles – Courtney Lee. Wait, the Grizzlies moved to Memphis? Why didn’t they change their name to the Clippers?
29. Pistons – J.J. Hickson. Joe Dumars absolutely adores players from North Carolina State.
30. Celtics—Nicolas Batum. He’s two things that Boston people love – black and French.