A year ago last Friday, Lakers’ guard Kobe Bryant asked to be traded. Upset with the direction of the organization, i.e., frustrated by general manager Mitch Kupchak’s inability to find suitable second fiddles, the future MVP was acting like the league’s most visible pouter. In the ensuing five months, the Lakers’ brass explored multiple trade options, as teams like the Dallas Mavericks, Phoenix Suns and Albany Patroons made bids to acquire the perennial All-Star, former McDonald’s spokesman and one-time wearer of the #8. Nothing came together – but it almost did. According to reports, the Chicago Bulls came closest to acquiring the Lakers’ shooting guard, presenting a trade package that included Ben Gordon, Luol Deng, Joakim Noah and Jay Mariotti. But Bryant, the only NBA player with a full no-trade clause, reportedly vetoed the trade, saying he’d only accept a deal to Chicago if he could play with Deng. The Lakers, unwilling to accept a deal that centered around Gordon, said bite me. The rest, as they say, is history.
The Bulls enjoyed an all-around terrible season, earned a place in the NBA lottery, and now own the #1 pick in this month’s draft. The Lakers, meanwhile, are preparing to face the Celtics in the NBA Finals – led by Kobe Bryant, the 2007-2008 Most Valuable Player. Needless to say, this could have turned out very differently – for Kobe, Deng, Noah and many others. Given that, we have to ask: What if Kobe had been traded to the Bulls?
If Kobe Bryant had been traded to the Bulls…
• Jack Nicholson would have taken a sand wedge to the windshield of Kupchak’s car.
• Carson Daly would have beaten out Jimmy Fallon as the replacement for Conan O’Brien.
• O.J. Mayo would not have accepted tickets to a Nuggets/Lakers game from Carmelo Anthony, since the Lakers would have sucked and Mayo don’t do sucked.
• Andrew Bynum would not have gotten hurt, since the only reason he got hurt was in trying to prove to Kobe that he’s a good person worthy of love.
• Yahoo!’s Adrian Wojnarowki would not have written on Nov. 1, 2007, “If the Lakers are determined to spiral into disarray, (Bulls’ general manager John) Paxson isn’t willing to let the Bulls go there with them.”
• Coach Phil Jackson would not have signed a contract extension on Dec. 12.
• The Lakers would not have bothered to trade for Trevor Ariza.
• Tyra Banks would have dedicated an entire week of shows to her misunderstood “homeboy” Kobe Bryant.
• On an episode of “Entourage,” Ari would have been offered courtside seats to the Lakers, and then been forced to reply, “Thanks, but those aren’t exactly hard to come by now that Kobe’s playing in Chi-town, you talentless (bleep)! Get AIDS and die!”
• When Kobe returned to Los Angeles for the first time (Nov. 18), fans would have actually arrived before tip-off and stayed the whole game, just to show him.
• Kobe would not have scored 18 points against the Bulls on both Nov. 18 and Dec. 18.
• The Lakers would no longer be the second-most valuable team on Forbes list of NBA franchises.
• The Grizzles would not have gifted Pau Gasol to the Lakers in February, Charles Barkley would not have insulted the Memphis organization, and Wynn’s casino would not have fingered Barkley as an overdrawn welsher.
• Bryant would not have won the NBA MVP, felt magnanimous in turn, and then bought $9,000 Rolexes for all his teammates.
• Yes, even Ira Newble.
• Luke Walton would be the captain of the team, not Bryant.
• The Nuggets would not have been swept in the first round of the playoffs. Not by the Lakers, anyway.
• Brent Barry would not have gotten hosed on that no-call, the NBA would not have needed to apologize, and referee Joey Crawford would not have gone home and kicked his dog into the neighbor’s yard.
• Steven Spielberg would not have introduced Shia LeBeouf as some kind of lame Marlon Brandon clone in the latest Indiana Jones movie.
• LeBeouf’s character, Mutt Williams, would have died horribly while trying to swing through the jungle on vines.
• The Lakers would have played themselves into the lottery, and the new face of the franchise, Joakim Noah, would have sat in the ceremonial seat.
• Noah would have been arrested in Gainesville, Florida, over Memorial Day weekend, for having an open container of alcohol and possessing marijuana.
• Bill Plaschke and J.A. Adande would have both gone hoarse on “Around the Horn.”
• I would have thought to myself, “Man, Joakim’s mom is freaking hot. How’s he so goofy-looking? Oh, right, his dad.”
If Kobe had been traded to the Bulls…
• Tyrus Thomas would have sold his #24 jersey to Bryant for an undisclosed sum. Otherwise, Bryant would have taken #42, thereby drawing the ire of civil rights historians, who would have claimed that Bryant was trying to associate himself with Jackie Robinson.
• The Skiles family might have enjoyed Christmas and not had the entire holiday ruined for them for generations to come.
• Jim Boylan would not have been named interim coach, so he wouldn’t have been fired on April 17th.
• The Bulls still would have waived Viktor Khryapa on February 6.
• Michael Jordan would have grown jealous of the adulation of Kobe in Chicago, attempted another comeback, and led the Knicks in scoring, rebounding, assists and cigars.
• Shaquille O’Neal would have been traded to the Knicks for something acceptable to ESPN’s trade machine (seriously, people waste hours with that gizmo? Po-thetic.)
• The Bulls would not have traded for Larry Hughes, so mothers in Chicago would not have needed to explain to their children why the guy covered in Etch A Sketch markings is such a team-killing ball hog.
• Kobe would have sang “Take Me Out to the Ballgame” during an April Cubs game.
• Ozzie Guillen would have blamed Kobe for the White Sox’ hitting woes.
• Luol Deng would have said, “I can’t believe the Lakers were stupid enough to accept a trade for Kobe that didn’t include me.”
• Jack Nicholson would have taken a pitching wedge to Kupchak’s taillights.
• The Bulls would not have been in the lottery and won the #1 pick, and the guy who runs the Bulls’ wikipedia page would not have had the balls to say that Derrick Rose is already on the team and wears #22.
• The Bulls would have beaten the Knicks in the playoffs, because Charles Smith still can’t make a lay-up.
• Doug Collins would not be discussed as the Bulls’ next head coach, since Kobe, Deng and Scott Skiles would have beaten the Celtics and The Big 3 in the Eastern Conference Finals.
• The Bulls would be playing the Spurs starting Thursday.
• The Spurs would have won in 6.
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