For those of you who have been in a cave for the last few years, steroids are all the rage in sports. Hahahahahahaha!! Get it?!? OK, seriously, though, steroids are the new black, very in vogue in sports these days. In my head, though, there is an illuminati of steroid users, if you will. These guys really stand out to me as memorable or key contributors to the steroid culture in sports. Now, considering that all of the people below have used a lot of steroids, I expect to get my ass kicked at least two or three times for writing this. That’s OK. I’ve had my ass kicked before. It’s not that bad. So, I present to you my Top 10 Steroid Users.
(Dis)Honorable Mention – Rafael Palmeiro
The memory of him wagging his finger at Congress, fervently denying steroid use, only to test positive like months later for it just cracks me up. Then he tried to pin it on a teammate. What an arse!
10. Jose Canseco
The godfather of steroid use in baseball, Canseco is probably the athlete most responsible for the spread of steroid use in his sport. What a charming legacy. I mean this cat practically taught a class at UCLA Extension on how to use, where to get, which butt cheek, etc.
9. Ben Johnson
If Jose Canseco is the godfather of steroids in sports, Johnson was the godfather of getting busted for it. Johnson was the first athlete to be stripped of medals and accomplishments for the use of ‘roids. He laid the groundwork for a future generation of track and field athletes.
8. (Tie) Andy Pettitte & James Toney
What do these two have in common, and why are they listed together, you ask?
Well, they fall into a special category. I call it “THIS guy is on steroids?!!?” Pettitte looks like a guy whose ass your accountant could kick. Toney apparently is 100% resistant to the “muscle-building” effects of steroids, because he has a bigger pot belly, and shows more ass crack than your uncle Jerry the plumber.
7. Shawne Merriman
Someone want to tell me how the NFL isn’t soft on ‘roids, yet Shawne Merriman was suspended a whopping 4 games for using, and he didn’t even have to act that contrite.
6. The Incredible Hulk
I mean, seriously, no one has looked at this guy yet?!? I mean, one minute he looks like Edward Norton, then the next time I see him, practically minutes later, he’s like 7 feet and 1,200 pounds of bulging muscle, and he is angry and raging out of control. Am I the only one who sees this?! Wake UP, people!!
5. Marion Jones
For being “America’s Sweetheart,” Marion Jones sure has shown a great proclivity for associating herself with cats from the seedy underbelly of sports. Her first husband, shot putter C.J. Hunter? Busted for steroids. Her trainer Trevor Graham? Ditto. Her baby daddy, Tim Montgomery? Banned from track & field, convicted of mail fraud, and on trial for heroin distribution. DANG!! And we all know what a rat bastard Victor Conte is. Hey, Marion, I’d like you to meet someone. You’ll like him. This is my friend Charlie Manson, Charlie, Marion.
4. Bill Romanowski
The official poster boy for ‘roid rage, Romanowski is so nuts, his WIFE will kick your ass!! From spitting in opponents faces, to pulling off teammates helmets, shattering their eye socket with a punch, and ending their career, Romanowski should have been in a straight jacket rather than an NFL uniform. Romanowski is one of those nut jobs you see in a bar fight, and he’s kicking a guy who is out cold on the ground in the face repeatedly. Romanowski is so crazy, that crazy is scared of HIM.
3. Big BrownI mean, have you seen how cut this dude is? This guy is as big as a horse. Look at the size of that head!! Dead giveaway!! Plus, Brown just came out of NOWHERE, and is one win shy of the vaunted Triple Crown, but now is mysteriously breaking down, another key sign of ‘roid use. Come on, get your head out of the sand, peeps!! You still don’t believe me?! Well, we here at Rotohog have proof, my friends! Just check out this exclusive video!!!
2. Mark McGwire
I so wanted to believe. All of us baseball fans did. It was the story of the summer of 1998, Sammy and Big Mac saving baseball. I mean, I saw the dude sitting up there at his daily press conference with forearms bigger than my thighs, but I wouldn’t even mention the word. Then, right on cue, his body breaks down rapidly, and he retires promptly. Then, on Capital Hill, knowing that he will not have to deal with any testing based on being an active player, a situation where he could have vehemently denied using, he basically admits using by refusing to even discuss it. Where have you gone, Joltin’ Joe, indeed.
1. (tie) Barry Bonds & Roger Clemens
These two will likely be forever linked, so I will do so here. Hall of Fame talent and accomplishments which will be doubted, debated and disputed ad nauseum for years to come. They both also continue to deny using, or in Bonds’ case, using knowingly. Uh-huh. Sure. Right. I know I look dumb, but I CAN’T look THAT dumb, because I dress too well. They might have been better off playing the contrite card a la Andy Pettitte and Jason Giambi, because I think the fall of these two will be hard. The truth will eventually come out, mark my words. Has anyone ever done a Hall of Fame acceptance speech from the greybar hotel? I DO believe they would have had HOF careers without using, so I think they probably belong in the Baseball Hall of Fame, but they also both belong in the Bonehead Hall of Fame.
If you think I left someone off, or ranked someone too high, I’d love to hear what you have
to say. Unless your last name is Romanowski. Comment below...
